When I was pregnant, I lived for these catchy headlines. I had to know what they were going to tell me. Scanning tons of blogs helped me feel more prepared for my baby’s arrival, and everything leading up to it. Here are some of things that I found most surprising after having my daughter.
Your dogs are going to get fat. One day you will be sitting there wondering if somebody tightened your dog’s collar. To your surprise, the answer is no. Your dog just got fat. There are generally two causes for the added weight gain. First, your guilt for the lack of time you now have for your fur baby. This will inevidalby end up in more treats to show your dog some love. Second, your baby is going to feed your dog, eventually three times a day. Even if you are the most disciplined “no scraps for the dog,” dog person, even you, may turn a blind eye when it comes to them cleaning food off the floor. Before having our baby, we never fed the dogs table food. Now they are trained to meet us at the highchair when I holler, “clean-up crew.”
Your baby will scare you. During the first few months, there is the expected, Oh my gosh, I fell asleep for 3 minutes, crane your neck to look into the bassinet, phew she’s okay, type of scare. You will experience lots of these, probably every 5 minutes for the first three months. Then one day, when your baby is finally sleeping in the crib, it will be late into the night, and pitch black because you needed the black-out curtains. You will mosey your way over to the crib to check on your little darling. She will be silently, standing up, in pitch black, looking right at you. You will not expect this. This will scare the crap out of you. You may squeal.
Your baby’s baby dolls will scare you. Your baby is finally asleep. It is late, but you have free time. You go to the living room to finally catch up on some Real Housewives. Before you sit down, you hear it. “ha ha ha ha.” Unprovoked, your child’s baby doll lets out it’s creepy giggles. As if she is in on the ploy to sabotage your free time. You may question if you should bury it… in a titanium box…chained… in the neighbors yard.
Your neighbors are going to wonder why their yard is dug up. You will tell them about the opossum problem in the neighborhood.
Invest in battery companies. 80% of your baby’s toys will make noise, move, pop, bounce, and giggle. You will forget to turn the toy’s off. You will burn through batteries. It only makes sense to invest in battery companies. You can probably fund your child’s college education this way.
Your baby will not have a solid sleep schedule, ever. Just kidding. They will someday, but for the first few years, all you can do is do your best. You may find your baby is sleeping well for a few weeks and on a great schedule. This will change. Why? Because your baby will be going through developmental leaps, teething, and trying new foods: these three things are constant. They will affect your babies sleep patterns. Just stick to your schedule as much as possible, be consistent, and love on that baby, you’ll get through it.
You will never be more excited to see Poop. When I first had my daughter, I had no idea I would need to keep a record of a potty schedule. The hospital has you do this each time your baby goes to make sure your baby is healthy. Poop means your baby is getting enough milk and her new little body is working properly. If you think this will gross you out, you might be surprised that it does not. But instead, means your little love is healthy.
You will have a new disdain for solicitors. If you did not like solicitors before, just wait. After an hour long struggle with your nine month old baby, she is finally relaxed and deep asleep. Putting her in her crib is like your about to pull the final block in Jenga. You take your time, seven minutes, to slowly descend her down. At last, phew, she’s good. You walk into your room, then you see him. The local cable guy. He’s making his way down the street heading to your house. Oh no, he. does. not. I had the speech prepared in my head. “Don’t come to my door. I don’t want your overpriced cable, and if you wake my baby, I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME.” Lucky for him, my husband intercepted him before I did. Hell hath no furry like a
woman scorned mother, whose baby you just woke up.